i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
