then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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