I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
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I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
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No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet