I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
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Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
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Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets