so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...