I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.