I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
