ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
