I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
