his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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