Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
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We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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