I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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