You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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