OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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