Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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