I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
