He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
