My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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