So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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