Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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