YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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