The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So much Jack, so little girl.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
