I'm lost and stupid without you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
