I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
