hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
