So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
