Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
