she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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