I just threw up on my dentist
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Houston, we have a squirter
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
