So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
