One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
