She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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