i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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