That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
