Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
