Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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