last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
