i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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