just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
