I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
