Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just high enough for therapy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
