So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
