You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
