I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
