two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
