i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
