i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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