There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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