i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
