I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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