Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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