I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
