Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
