apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
