Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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