i'm signing you up for texting rehab
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
