I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
