The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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