i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
whose parrot is this?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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