I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
