i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
