Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
