He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
